I cried a tear for you today

So it is almost July already, and this year has been moving forward at light speed, and I find myself not taking the time to reflect on the comings and goings going on in my world.

For example, my uncle died. I wasn't particularly close to him, although my aunt who divorced him years ago for doing bad things I love dearly, but do not take the time to tell her. I felt sad when he died. I didn't cry. I felt sad because he was a father, a brother, an uncle and grandfather. He had good in him. I saw it from time to time, he lived the last years of his life really all alone because of choices he made. I cried a tear for you today uncle.

My mom and dad came and spent some time with my kids while I enjoyed a very nice vacation. I return on Mothers day. There is all kinds of craziness going on, but I am glad to be home. I am glad to have my parents here. I don't understand my mom. She adopted me, she raised me, she loved me. I love her. She is the epitome of martyrdom, but I try to overlook that. She gave me a mother's day card. Within the card she references MY expectation that she cannot be what my birth mother. What she doesn't get is that there is enough room in my heart for them both. I love them both, in different ways, they both made sacrifices for me, loved me and did the best they could by me. I never expected one to take the others place. It is all a matter of perception I suppose. I was angry about the card, I was hurt. I want to feel that connection with my mom like I did when I was growing up. We did things together,we laughed, cried, cooked, shared things about ourselves, I miss that. She doesn't get it. I cried a tear for you today mom. I also cried a tear for my other mom today. I love you both, and I don't have either one of you in my life in a meaningful way anymore. One by her choice, the other by death. I cried a tear today.

I have a son who is 26. He is a man. He makes his choices and is finding his way in the world. He lives 12 hours away and we only see each other twice a year now. I miss him everyday. I cried a tear for you today my sweet boy.

My other two little people are the light of my life. They challenge me daily, but they bring me so much joy that they do not even know. I feel like sometimes I am not doing right by them. I cried a tear for you today my little loves.

My friends. Throughout my life I have been so blessed to have wonderful friends in my life. As life moves forward so do these relationships, taking on different forms. Some are close by, others are spread near and far, but always you are in my heart. I think of laughter and tears that have been shared over the years. Joys and pain. I miss you. Today I cried a tear for you.

Season of Change

Season of Change~

Yes, spring is on the horizon, and with any season change is in store. Change the wardrobe, move the furniture around, change your hair style and what not. I need to make a few a more changes this season. I need to change how I approach my life. I need to eat well, sleep well, be well. I need a stronger body, mind and spirit connection. I love this time of year for that very reason. There is nothing more spiritual to me than becoming one with the earth. My Zen is the dirt. Moving the dirt around, looking for signs of life from the effort of my labor the spring before. When I see the dirt under my nails, and feel the ache in my muscles while noticing how the tulips, daffodil's, and iris's are working their way up through the earth it gives me a mighty sense of satisfaction and joy.

Yes, Joy. Wow. Joy. That is what I need this season of change is more joy. Nick brings me joy. Today we were talking about how he was born in my heart. He then inquired as to if Chris and Hannah were born in my heart too, and that I must somehow have three hearts. He said he is lucky to have a mom like me. That is joy. He said he wishes my eyes were like a rainbow, but if they were just one green and one blue that would be okay too. I said "what about two green ones?", and he said, "they are so pretty like you mom". That is joy.

Chris finished up what may very well be his last national debate tournament's this week. He has done an outstanding job. He text ed me every step of the way: 2-0/2 or 5-2/7 meaning his win/loss and point situation. Each text ended with "I love you". This is joy.

Hannah is such a sweet spirit. This is joy. She needs me and depends on me for guidance. She is kind and sensitive, yet spirited and carefree while trying to be strong and tough, but in reality is still just a child. She brings me joy.

My season of change reminds me to be in the moment, to experience the joy that is so rich in my world, and to not take for granted that it will all be there tomorrow. As we know, in the blink of an eye our world can change.

Life is good.

A Gift from a Friend as I departed~

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits.
The rebels.
The trouble-makers. The round heads
in the square holes. The ones who
see things differently.

They're not fond of rules,
and they have no respect
for the status-quo.
You can quote them,
disagree with them, glorify,
or vilify them.
But the only thing you can't do
is ignore them.

Because they change things.
They push the human race forward.
And while
some may see them as the crazy ones,
we see genius. Because the people who
are crazy enough to think they can
change the
world, are the ones who do.

The Truth about Giants

So here is the truth about giants.
Nick: mom giants are huge
Mom: yes they are, they are bigger than houses

Nick: Giants live in the sky with God
Mom: ummmm ok

Nick: Giants are up all night, and sleep all day, a what that called?
Mom: Really, how do you know this?, it's called nocturnal

Nick: Giants don't want no one to see them, that is why they are up all night and sleep all day, just like Santa Claus. Giants are real, just like Santa Claus!
Mom: Well who would have known?

Nick: I smart, and Giants play with me.!

hmmmmmm......... there you have it, the truth about giants!

Fork in the Road

So every once in a while as an adult we come to what I call a "fork in the road". I have hit a few of those along the way. The challenge presented is always, which way do you choose? Fundamentally I believe that you follow your gut, and you take the path that feels right, regardless of what those around you think or say. It is your life, your choice. At the end of the day you will end up where you are meant to be! It might take a while due to some detours along the way, however.

Last year I was faced with such a "fork in the road", when I placed myself in a position of opportunity to change jobs, after being with my former employer for nearly 10 years. There is some comfort with longevity in your career, and employment. Although, with comfort often comes stagnation. I really needed something different, the stress was killing me, compounded by the enromous frustration that I felt on a daily basis, which was perhaps not always valid, but nonetheless very real, and intrusive to me!

I'm not a big gambler, but I did choose to take a position with another employer, I new it would be a challenge, and that there would be a learning curve, and I also went into it with full disclosure that my salary would be substantially less, with the optimisitc outlook that the position I was taking would very well be reclassified, and hence the pay scale would increase. Then the "economic" hardship hit my little neck of the world, and "hiring freeze", etc. became common buzz words. Reclassification is off the table now. Other ciricumstances have placed other financial strains on the monthly budget as well.

As you can imagine this has all been so very overwhelming. I share the rest of the story with those that know me best. At the end of the day I have come to know some truths:
The old saying of "you know who your friends are when times get tough" is oh so very true, friends really are my life line, mostly because I choose to have it that way. "Rich" does not equate to happy. There is some benefit to analylzing your life in reference to priorities, lifestyle and committment. Basic needs are expensive, even when "simplifying". It is important to have a food storage that does not include mostly expired dates on the packages. It's important to keep your freezer mostly full. $50.00 a month for groceries goes a lot farther if you have taken those precautionary steps.

The point I make is that forks in the road are important, I continue to believe that everything happens for a reason, and what is meant to be is meant to be. We have a responsibility to just embrace it all along the way. Teaching our children to do the same is a gift we can, and should give them along the way.

Christmas Cactus~ A story about Love

This will be the 6th Christmas without my mom. She always made Christmas a BIG deal. She was always so creative and thoughtful and concise with her intent of gift giving. She was never a rich woman, but always rich with love and tenderness. We baked, planned the meal, and she would always spend Christmas Eve night at our house.

The Christmas before she died, (she died on her birthday January 7th the following year) I had purchased two Christmas cactus's. One for her, and one for me. They were pathetic 4" pots of neglected plants that had been picked through at Lowes, but I thought "Oh I bet that mom can at least keep hers alive, and at that time I was a plant killer and figured I would give it a shot too)

Anyway, when going through her things and getting her house in order I gave my brother and his wife all of her plants except her pathetic Christmas Cactus.

I planted our two cactus in the same pot, and low and behold the following Christmas it bloomed. It has bloomed every Christmas sense, and I have always just thought it was my moms way of coming to hug me at Christmas time and to let me know that she will always be with me in memories and spirit.

Well, since changing jobs this year I brought the cactus home and have seriously neglected it. A couple of weeks ago I saw it and seriously had a breakdown because I was sure it was not going to bloom this year. I felt overwhelmingly sad, and angry that I was so selfish as to not even take care of stupid plant.

Well last night, I noticed that there are three perfect buds coming on and it will be blooming by Christmas! I think this is the Christmas spirit I have been wishing for! Thank you mom!

Hater of People

Have I mentioned that I used to be a lover of people? I seriously hate to admit it, but at the ripe old age of 47 I have come to be a people hater.

Let me tell you why:
~ Is it really so hard to freaking say "good-morning" to someone when they speak to you?
~ Is it really so freaking hard to say "thank-you" if someone does something human, like say hold a door open for you?
~ Is it really so freaking hard to "include" the new girl in any conversation, activity or group interaction that occurrs' right in front of her?
~ Is it so freaking hard to just tell your mother that you love her for no good damn reason?
~ Is it really so freaking hard to step outside yourself and inquire as to how another human being may be doing?

I mean really, is this shit hard or what? I am thinking that I don't like hating people, but......... they are making me do it!